(Original story published on Tuesday July 21st, 2015 on WDish.com.)
Agreeing to a first date is a lot like what I hear giving birth is all about. The only reason we’re able to do it again and again is because we have this maliciously selective brain that conveniently forgets about all the serious discomfort from the first time around. Ergo, we get super excited and jittery right up until go time, when the inevitable “WTF did I agree to?” moment kicks in.
Coupled-off peeps claim to be jealous of us singletons and our fun, Bradshaw-esque dating life (I get that one a lot). But not every date is a candlelit dinner with Big, or a bucket of KFC in bed with Aidan. The truth is, dating is not fun; it actually really sucks. Well, at least for the hour preceding the date, and you know, on occasion, the entire date itself. And with every first date we go on, the same ideas, worries and anxieties pop through our minds.
To jog your memory, and perhaps remind you of what you’re in for before agreeing to the next one, here are the 42 thoughts we have on Every. Single. First. Date.
(Click here to view the full version with gifs.)
- Should I “dress for the guy” and wear something sexy or can I be my true, trendy self and wear say, my cool, comfy culottes?
- No, probably not. Gam-showing mini skirt it is.
- What’s the maximum number of drinks I can have that will get me out the door but won’t have me stumbling to the bar?
- Did I already spray perfume? Better add another spritz just to be sure.
- Okay, definitely ODed on perfume. I’ll air out on the balcony.
- Don’t jump, don’t jump, don’t jump.
- What are the rules again? Don’t talk too much, don’t complain about jerk colleague, be a lady, don’t chug your drink, have one water for every drink (eye roll), forget about being nearly broke. I’m easy and breezy and happy and everything is great.
- The bar is only a couple of streets away, but do I really want to risk being all sweaty and shiny?
- Uber it is. I’ll have him drop me off a block away so it looks like I walked.
- This is it, no turning back. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.
- Where is this guy? I’m fashionably late so if he’s any later than me, that’s just rude.
- Okay, seriously? If that’s him, I’m suing Tinder.
- Oh, that’s not him. Ummm oh, there he is. The awkward chap not knowing whether to wave, stand or stay put.
- Hm, not bad! Am I staring at my future husband? Will I think back to this moment in a few years wondering how I could possibly have been so shy around the one who I’m now more comfortable with than anyone else?
- Stop with the creepy thoughts and sit down already, ya freak.
- Should I follow his lead and get a beer too?
- ‘A glass of Pinot Grigio, please.’ Oops, that just slipped out.
- Crap, I’m already starving. The fries are really good here.
- Oh no, did I just say that out loud?
- Aw! He ordered fries. How sweet! Winner!
- Is it too premature to lay the napkin on my lap? Will it look like I’m ready to chow down?
- I hope I don’t have anything in my teeth. I couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t tell someone they have something in their teeth.
- There’s no way I’m telling him about the herb stuck on his lip.
- Oh good, he licked it off. Crisis averted.
- Oh no, what about me? I’ll just run to the washroom to check.
- He ate all the fries. Fine, whatever. I’ll stop for pizza on my way home.
- Don’t have another glass. You’re at your limit. You’ll lose your inhibitions.
- ‘Yes, another Pinot sounds great!” Crap, well, it would’ve been rude to let him drink alone.
- What did he say he does again? Something with numbers?
- Here it is. The matter of truth. Will he pay? I hope he doesn’t take my reach for the billfold too literally.
- Yes! He paid! Aw, he’s nice.
- I wonder if he’ll lean in for a kiss? Better pop a mint just incase.
- Will he think I’m expecting a kiss if he sees me eat a mint? I’ll do it discreetly.
- Great, the tin just fell on the floor. Mints everywhere. Busted.
- Time for the awkward farewell. I’ll go before he thinks I’m lingering for a kiss, or before he feels obligated to say, “I’ll call you!”
- He’s kind of staring at me awkwardly. Is he leaning in? Is he going to kiss me? Yes? No? God, who the hell knows.
- HE KISSED ME!
- Well that was a nice night. He’s cute. Okay, stop smiling, ya goof.
- He better text me. Oh God, I hope he texts me.
- What if he ghosts?
- Home now. No text. I shouldn’t have stayed for that extra drink. Would’ve been cooler if I left sooner. Crap. I blew it.
- He’s already texted. A little eager, no?